The punishment called perfection!
Recently, my son was tasked with reciting a Hindi poem on Indian festivals. As I was searching the internet for a good poem, it occurred to me how many festivals there were, that we celebrated through the year. From January through December. A festival a day keeps the school at bay!
Every festival however would send me on a guilt trip. Oh my! I hadnt prepared any seedai for gokulashtami, I missed lighting lamps for karthigai. My modaks took an amoebic shape during gowri ganesha, and whats worse, the cute-bellied mud ganesha that I had bought 3 years ago, was still sitting in the corner of the pooja room and hadn't found his way to the nearby lake. As much as I wanted to prepare for a festival in advance, I failed. How were my friends in the US able to do it and post proud pictures of those perfectly brown salt seedais! How were they able to get their swami room have that makeover during festivals?! Their facebook pictures only added to my woes and I immediately started looking up the internet for the next big festival so I could do a better job at that. And when that next big one actually happened, my performance didnt really get any better.
Of course, as most mothers my age, one of the main reasons why I wanted to celebrate festivals was for the kids to know more about them. Like the whatsapp joke that was doing the rounds, the only festival that my kids seemed to be really familiar with, was the Amazon great Indian festival. I wanted to change it for them. I wanted them know about the history & origin of Indian festivals, and look forward to these . The smell of the oil getting heated to fry that murukku, the aroma of the ghee to make the laddoos - When I thought of festivals I enjoyed as a child, those were the first things that came to my mind.
But as these thoughts flashed, I also got reminded of how there was invariably a great deal of stress during every festival. My mom was always running from pillar to post making a zillion dishes besides tending to the pooja room, obviously unhappy with appa's contribution in that area. Diwali meant waking up at an unearthly hour, making us having a head bath after soaking us in gingelly oil and dragging us to the nearby temple while we were petrified because of the sound of crackers. Pongal meant running helter skelter within the house to be ready before the pongal-o-pongal. The odd sound of that sad-looking karandi (spatula) hitting its head against the copper vessel. Ayudha poojai meant meticulously finding every single object in the house and decorating it with chandan-kumkum in the shape of Indian map. The festival that was most looked forward to by us as kids was saraswati poojai since we could happily tuck away our books and not have to study anything on that day.
I fast forwarded and came to today. I realized that festivals did not bring along stress. It brought along guilt, yes, but I told myself that it was high time I made peace with what and how much I did. If it meant that I enjoyed the solomon papaya patti mandram in Sun tv at the time I should have been singing pongalo pongal, it was fine. If it meant I didnt drag my children to the nearby temple during diwali coz they were super scared of crackers, it was ok. If it meant I did not get the time to make any bakshanams for a festival, good for the family, atleast calorifically!
I realized I had to stop forcing myself to be that perfect mom who did things immaculately for the sake of my children. If I could, great. But if I could not, that was ok too.
Every festival however would send me on a guilt trip. Oh my! I hadnt prepared any seedai for gokulashtami, I missed lighting lamps for karthigai. My modaks took an amoebic shape during gowri ganesha, and whats worse, the cute-bellied mud ganesha that I had bought 3 years ago, was still sitting in the corner of the pooja room and hadn't found his way to the nearby lake. As much as I wanted to prepare for a festival in advance, I failed. How were my friends in the US able to do it and post proud pictures of those perfectly brown salt seedais! How were they able to get their swami room have that makeover during festivals?! Their facebook pictures only added to my woes and I immediately started looking up the internet for the next big festival so I could do a better job at that. And when that next big one actually happened, my performance didnt really get any better.
Of course, as most mothers my age, one of the main reasons why I wanted to celebrate festivals was for the kids to know more about them. Like the whatsapp joke that was doing the rounds, the only festival that my kids seemed to be really familiar with, was the Amazon great Indian festival. I wanted to change it for them. I wanted them know about the history & origin of Indian festivals, and look forward to these . The smell of the oil getting heated to fry that murukku, the aroma of the ghee to make the laddoos - When I thought of festivals I enjoyed as a child, those were the first things that came to my mind.
But as these thoughts flashed, I also got reminded of how there was invariably a great deal of stress during every festival. My mom was always running from pillar to post making a zillion dishes besides tending to the pooja room, obviously unhappy with appa's contribution in that area. Diwali meant waking up at an unearthly hour, making us having a head bath after soaking us in gingelly oil and dragging us to the nearby temple while we were petrified because of the sound of crackers. Pongal meant running helter skelter within the house to be ready before the pongal-o-pongal. The odd sound of that sad-looking karandi (spatula) hitting its head against the copper vessel. Ayudha poojai meant meticulously finding every single object in the house and decorating it with chandan-kumkum in the shape of Indian map. The festival that was most looked forward to by us as kids was saraswati poojai since we could happily tuck away our books and not have to study anything on that day.
I fast forwarded and came to today. I realized that festivals did not bring along stress. It brought along guilt, yes, but I told myself that it was high time I made peace with what and how much I did. If it meant that I enjoyed the solomon papaya patti mandram in Sun tv at the time I should have been singing pongalo pongal, it was fine. If it meant I didnt drag my children to the nearby temple during diwali coz they were super scared of crackers, it was ok. If it meant I did not get the time to make any bakshanams for a festival, good for the family, atleast calorifically!
I realized I had to stop forcing myself to be that perfect mom who did things immaculately for the sake of my children. If I could, great. But if I could not, that was ok too.
There is enough eulogizing women who are seemingly perfect as a wife, as a mom, as an employee, as a daughter/ d-in-law. Enough associating women with sacrifices. I'd like to celebrate ordinary women like myself. Women who have their down days and feel upto doing nothing. Women who want to shut the door and enjoy some quiet when the day gets overwhelming. Women who like to enjoy a full bar of chocolate without sharing with their kids. Women who probably do not celebrate every single festival in the calendar with all the 'josh', yet raise contented, happy children. Let us stop celebrating perfection and sacrifices, let us start celebrating the ordinary.
Great writing and great expression. As a grandmother, I too am done with celebrating festivals the way I did when my children were in school and college. Everything being so commercial today, the charm of the earlier days isn't there any more. I am very proud of today's mothers who go out of the house and make a difference. Using your intelligence and fortitude to bring home an income and teach your children to be independent is equally important. No harm in using festival holidays to rest, catch up on chores and spend time with your kids.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! More power to grandmas like you who encourage their children to go out there and make a difference and making them believe that there is no reason to feel guilty!
DeleteVery well written.You know what my reply would be.Anyhow i will share my thought.I was just enjoying the eatables which your mother was great at making.I used to get archanais from Padma as i was not involved in it.I also got guilt feeling that i didn't impart the importance of celebrating festivals to my daughters.As Manni told to you,perhaps i also don't have to feel bad about it.
ReplyDeleteThank you, appa :)
DeleteGood write up. On a lighter (serious?) note , I often times used to wonder probably converting to Christianity / Islam / Buddhism will probably leave us with few gods and very few festivals, and with no trace of history to pass on to our kids so that we can start everything fresh :-)
ReplyDeleteWith regard to aspiring for perfection, be it man or woman, our consistent comparison with others, and the need for their approval makes it a difficult task to attain, but nevertheless something that we all keep aspiring for.
When will it be okay being ordinary? Probably when we lose all our desires, greed, envy, and hatred and become that noble soul that is sunk in ever lasting peace of mind (not just evanescent happiness mind you :-)). Until then, our petty battles with life will continue, and so will our imperfections. This realization too shall pass!!
Thank you, Pappu. Yes, comparison is the killer. If we just do what we do, and not seek approvals from a. our own selves when we go on moral/duty highs or b. from the world, we'd be much better off.
Delete